Are the thought police coming?
Fast forward a bit. Government legislation says all our thoughts are to be monitored. To ensure compliance residents must wear a thought transponder (“TT”) on their heads.
You zoom along the highway when suddenly you hear a siren and see a gray vehicle with flashers on, behind you. You pull over and out comes a non-uniformed officer, identifying himself as P.C.- Politically Correct Mr/Ms/Zee/Hee .
You ask, “Tee hee?”
The officer snaps, “Not tee hee. This is no laughing matter.”
“Sorry officer”, you say. “Was I speeding?”
Officer replies, “You were doing 140 kilometers but that is not important. Your TT device was not fastened on properly. We could only make out some of your thoughts.”
“But officer, I was not thinking offensive thoughts.”
“Yes you were. My partner says you were thinking about ordering a Tim Hortons double double and a jelly donut. My partner is on a diet and she//he/zee/tee/ found your thoughts non inclusive and offensive.”
“Constable, I meant no offense. I don’t really have to have the donut.”
“Too late. My partner feels excluded now and is traumatized. He/she/zee/zim/ had to go to the back seat of the car and sit in that assigned safe area for 60 seconds. And seek counseling. I can charge you with assaulting a thought officer.”
“Oh please don’t do that officer. It won’t happen again. Next time I’ll think about having just the coffee, no sugar, black.”
“Did I hear you say black? “
Oops, sorry again. We used to call a plain coffee with no cream or milk that until recently. Old habit of the mind. I meant have my coffee colourless. ”
“Well you know the penalty for bad habits of the mind don’t you?”
“Not a lobotomy.”
“Not this time. You’re lucky. My partner says he/she/zid/zo has just checked in with psychology support and fortunately has been able to overcome the effects of your thoughtless thoughts”
“Here’s a ticket. It will cost you 10 thinking points. Penalty will likely be community service. You’ll have to spend time tearing down offensive monuments of some athlete or actor or politician who thought about sex.”
“I appreciate your leniency officer.”
“You are lucky...but another 11 points and you hit lobotomy”
“That would be twenty-one?”
“Hey, didn’t I warn you. You can’t say 21. That’s reminiscent of that casino card game, describing a “Jack.”
“Of course. And isn’t that game now called, ‘Colourless Jack?’ Or rather Jack-Jacqueline?”
“Yeah, I see you’ve learned something. Here’s your ticket.”
“But I see the ticket does not cite my thoughts at all. It just has a code on it.”
“I can’t write down any of those thoughts. That would in itself be an offense on my part.”
“Of course sir/madam/ Zid, I mean Zed.”
“Hey watch it! You can’t say ‘Zed’. It’s a Canadian expression that might offend the rest of the world. Have a nice day.”
Please check out my new book, Poutine on the Orient Express: An Irreverent Look at Humour, available on Amazon, iBooks and other retailers.
Please also visit my new website, www.marcelshumour.com, ( www.marcelshumor.com ) if you are south of the border), formerly legalhumour.com (legalhumor.com, if you are south of the border, again.)