Sitting is the New Smoking-The Government Cares

 Sep 25, 2017 1:00 PM
by Marcel Strigberger

It looks like the Ontario government will be in charge of selling legalized marijuana. Legal weed will be sold just like liquor in special LCBO shops . The result will now be that just like gambling and booze, the government will have a monopoly and consequent golden goose tax on pot. What is next?

Since sitting has now been linked to a reduction in life span, ergo dangerous, like smoking and the aforementioned vices, will the government turn its sights to regulating sitting?

The not too distant future might look like this.

The government commissions a pricy study which concludes that sitting indeed is the new smoking. It is therefore harmful to your health. It must be regulated. Sitting per se therefore becomes illegal unless the act of sitting complies with government legislation, namely the Hey You, Get Up Act.

Firstly, most seats are removed from public transit vehicles. Seats are located in specially designated areas, but riders must be of a certain age to sit.

Foremost we have to protect the children. To therefore be allowed to sit, you would have to show you are over the age of 19. The government would issue to eligible riders, for a fee of course, “non student” passes. Special security non uniformed personnel would patrol the transit vehicles to ensure nobody under 19 is seated. Violators would be subject to a fine. As well they would have to take a rehabilitation course, including viewing a film called, “Stop smoking. Rise.”

Another especially vulnerable group is the elderly. After all their potential lifespan is less than that of the kids and naturally they too would have to be protected. Therefore on transit conveyances there would be large signs reading, “Attention seniors. If you are seated stand up immediately and give your seat to a millennial.”

However given that the sitting scourge is widespread and not only confined to public transportation, and given that the potential for government tax revenue is infinite, seating elsewhere, such as in theaters would also fall under government scrutiny. These establishments would have to post notices in front of theaters reading, “Caution: Non seniors entertainment. Theater contains seats.”

Should any of golden agers still purchase a ticket, they would be herded to a designated standing area. There, for an extra government issued pass they would be given a grab bar to hold onto. For their convenience, the grab bar would have a receptacle in which they could place their popcorn.

There will no doubt be violators; those who think they can step around the law. Like with gambling, liquor and pot, the police will be there to ensure nobody breaks the law. Enforcement officers will have the right, if they have reasonable and probable grounds to believe that a sitting offense is taking place, to come along and enter such establishment of ill repute.

The day may not be far where the local police batter down a door to a kindergarten class and arrest the teachers for allowing the kids to be play musical chairs. The police would pin a note for the parents on the shirts of the offending children, warning them of the sitting consequences and admonishing them that next time, they will deem these kids to be in need of protection and they will be reporting the offensive conduct to Children’s Aid. At least one of the kids, i.e. the one who misses out on landing a chair, will get off scot free. He loses yet he wins.

And of course, like with the usual vices, a big concern will be organized crime. The mob no doubt will try to corner a large section of the sitting market. The last thing the owner of a Tim Hortons will want is for some scar face goon to attend at his outlet and say, “ My boss is waiting for your next order for chairs. I’ll be back tomorrow for your answer. And oh yes, give me a double double.”

Indeed as sitting may be the new smoking, it may not be too long before La-Z-Boy becomes a crown corporation.

Do we want further government interference? Take a stand.




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